☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。

[I used my keyboard's voice to text feature so it may not make sense. I jump from topic to topic]

Yo, I'm writing this at 5:33 in the morning. Every Friday, my brother comes home for family dinner. He has strong opinions, and we always end up debating. He's a lot older than me, 13 years older, so his arguments may not be the best, but he's has experience debating and is good at getting his point across and make everything he says look like it makes sense. And I'm not really that good at communicating because of my autism and stuff.

My mother also doesn't help at all because she's the one who brings up topics about gay people and trans people. My brother respects gay people and that you can like multiple genders (and by that I mean two genders), but he's extremely transphobic and thinks there are only males and females, because chromosomes and stuff. It's really like talking to Andrew Tate in that aspect.

He's also religious in a weird way. He doesn't agree with most religions' idea of God, but he believes that a God exists. That would be okay, except he often has weird arguments like, "Oh yeah, if this and this, then why doesn't God exist?" He's always saying that type of question or, "Oh yeah, every society has a God, even without any communication they got to the same conclusion. That he comes from the sky..."

He's really into conspiracy theories, so he thinks God exists and they're an alien, maybe from another dimension, which is not weird to think of as a possibility, like any other religion (I respect all of them even if I don't agree), but he frames it like, "Oh yeah, if you believe in anything else, you're stupid. How can you not believe in God? How can you be an atheist? Atheist people are stupid." And that's what reeeeallly makes me roll my eyes and want to prove he's wrong (just to be a contrarian and shut him up).

ANYWAY.

Today we watched the movie K-Pax, which is really good. I could talk about this movie for a long time. The second main character, as I interpreted it, is a DID patient who has created an alien personality because of trauma (the main main character is a phychiatrist but he doesn't really matter to the plot, his job is just to discover everything about Brot the alien), but my brother likes to interpret the movie literally, thinking the main character is actually an alien from the planet K-Pax. It's obviously a valid interpretation because it's not real life. And the movie sparked a conversation about whether everything is predestined or if we have free will because of it's ending (a particular line the main character says). My brother (and I, because I agree in this one) thinks we behave as if we have a choice, but it's really just what the universe wants us to do.

So, a bit into the debate, he asked me if I wanted to drink whiskey (expecting me to say no because free will and stuff), and I said yeah. He put a big plastic cup in front of me, filled it up with three/four fingers of whiskey, one ice cube, then Coke to sort of dilute it. It was really fun because I was drinking half of the cup, and then he says, "Wait, stop! Half an hour ago, you took an ibuprofen pill, so you shouldn't be drinking alcohol." I realized I forgot and said, "Oh, sh**, you're right" (I took medication because my head hurt).

But then I thought, "Forget it, I don't care. I've already drunk half of it, and I'm thirsty." I didn't have water, so I just drank alcohol even though I was medicated. I'm so responsible, guys.

I think it was a good idea because it made me smarter.

Suddenly, I drank alcohol and all the blurriness in my brain in terms of communication just went away, and I was able to communicate what I wanted to say on the first try.

I normally struggle with communication because I have all these ideas in my brain but don't know how to arrange them and say them out loud so that people understand the concepts I'm trying to explain. Alcohol just fixed it. It wasn't much alcohol, but just a bit made me have a moment of clarity, that sort of zone in between being sober and being drunk when your brain is actually going faster but not your body.

I don't know if I was drunk. I don't think so because I don't feel drunk like people describe it. My head hurts, but it was just the headache I had before drinking, so I don't think that's related. Alcohol also didn't fix my headache or any other problems I had. I didn't forget sh**. Why do people drink this? It doesn't do anything. It makes you talk more than usual and maybe make some jokes without thinking, but that's it. It's not that impressive. Nothing much changed otherwise.

My mom is still disappointed in me because I like women. She thinks it's not real because I didn't always know I liked women. My father thinks change happens but also wants to agree with my mom and be as conservative as he can be, so he denies it. It's weird because he uses arguments like, "Oh yeah, people change and discover things," but then he's like, "Oh wait, no, it doesn't apply there. Gay people are born that way, not formed. They cannot discover their condition later in life." I'm like, "Bro...".

Well, it's almost 6am. My brother finally left the house. I'm going to sleep now. Byebye!!

Sincerily,