— ENTRY 005 —

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。

Today's a bit of a more heavy topic? Maybe, like it doesn't apply to me, but I will still talk about it because I need to get it off my chest.

I don't think I have an eating disorder of any kind. I don't have problems eating food, neither mentally nor physically, and I'm actually eating a bowl of cereal as I write this. But the thing is, I have other problems that directly affect my eating schedule.

Like, terrible, terrible memory. I just forget to eat if no one tells me, same with drinking water, and I won't even notice I'm hungry. I'll notice when I see someone else eat and I'm like “wait, shit, yesterday I forgot to do that”.

And the worst part is that I don't know what causes my memory issue. Is it maybe related to trauma, autism, ADHD, the fact that I feel like different people sometimes?? I have no idea, but I will just… forget. Like something in my brain switches, and suddenly I don't know what I was talking about and have to stop for a moment, trying to look around for clues.

I feel horrible when people don't take my memory problems seriously. Like, yeah, I don't eat, and it becomes noticeable for some periods of time, but that's not the problem.

“Just eat!”
“I forgot my sandwich”
“Yeah, but you've been forgetting it for five days straight, just know that you're not fat, you don't have to feel guilty for eating”
“I just forgot my sandwich at home”
“Or, if your family is struggling, you can tell us, ok? We're here to help.”
“I FORGOT it at home, I'll eat once I get there”
“Well, we're here until you find yourself comfortable enough to tell us your problem!”
“I FORGOT MY SANDWICH. THAT'S IT. IT DOESN'T GO DEEPER THAN THAT.”

I forget so many things, and that often has consequences. Specially when it comes to forgetting orders. My mom will get so mad, seeing as I've made the same mistake over and over again because I forgot the one key step she always tells me.

I forget to sleep and that time exists. I forget to breathe sometimes and find myself convulsing because I didn't notice I was holding my breath.

Drowning is the worst feeling ever.

I'll forget important dates and then feel like an asshole because everyone else knows my important dates except myself (because it goes both ways). I forget stuff about myself just as frequently as I forget stuff about others. Which means I often have to look out for what my birthday is and use an online calculator to know my age. And I'll feel stupid because who tf forgets about their own age.

Right now. I think as I write, but I forgot what I was thinking, so I can't write about it. I feel so incompetent.

Right, remembering faces. I can't do that, and it's even worse because of my aphantasia. Aka I can't see pictures in my brain, the things I imagine are purely the colour of my eyelid and I move around that space with other senses. So remembering faces is almost impossible, the only thing I can remember about someone is their smell, how I felt around them. Which is possibly a reason why I started drawing. The same reason people use a prosthetic leg, because they don't have a real one; I use my hands to draw because I don't have an imagination. 

Someone will ask me to describe my mom and I won't know how to do it because I don't know what she looks like. Eyes are not blue, I don't know how her hair looks, intimidating? But only to me, she acts friendly around everyone else. Vents A LOT, tells me I'm a failure.

My dad? No fucking idea. My brother? Cool, but an asshole, cool shirts, don't picture his face in my brain. My light? Long hair.

The only feature I can picture, or rather feel, are those piercing amber eyes filled with hunger, trying to eat me alive. The eyes of someone who has changed their name and has only become more scary to me than before. Someone who I truly wish to forget, but I can't.

I will never forget her no matter how much I try, I can't get rid of her. I don't know who's worse.

The first girl did so much stuff that it feels weird how easily I forget about her, even when my light can't. And the second one has only been in my life one year and has already made me relapse.

Fuck, I spilled my cereal on the couch, I'm fucking stupid.

Well, imma end it here cuz idk what I was trying to communicate, so yeah.

BYEBYE!!

Sincerily,