— ENTRY 011 —

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。

HELLOOO,

So, as you may know, or not, because you've never actually seen me or a photo of me (and I don't intend to share), I don't really consider myself a fashion icon. Like, of course I wouldn't, I prioritize functionality over looks. Always have.

Which is why I find so crazy that DIFFERENT people have called me "over the top" in different occasions. Like, what? And I also don't think I'm being delusional or have an altered sense of reality or anything. I'll be wearing a fricking SONIC T-SHIRT, JEANS AND SNEAKERS and someone will judge, not because I look and act like your average homeless man, but because I'm too formal???

It specially hurt when my own friend, S, criticized me. She pointed at my pants and started passive aggressively ranting about how that type of pants (normal, basic jeans) are so uncomfortable to wear.

But I feel comfortable in them, I don't think they restrict my movement at all.

I felt hurt after that interaction. It was just like three minutes, last year, and I still think about it. I think about what people say about me a lot. And yet my mom still tells me "you should practice self-criticism more often" every other day. But that's an entry for another time. The thing is I do criticize myself, too much, sometimes. I'm too harsh on myself. Specially my personality and how I speak, but how I look is also something I keep in mind, in the background. And, in days like today, all those feelings I have about how I look resurface.

Not my body type, or softness of my skin or hairstyle. Those are things I cannot change (yes, even the hairstyle because I'm trans, my parents are against it and won't let me cut it shorter, as I said before, an entry for another day) and, because I cannot change them, and because I think all of those are average, they don't turn into an insecurity, and I'm able to move on. Which I know sounds a bit weird, because that's the number 1 reason insecurities are formed in other people (read as: allistics), a part of yourself you cannot change. But the lack of control calms me, it's a burden I don't have to bear because it's not my fault.

But the way I dress is something I have control over, something I can change—I do so every day—, and, therefore, it's my responsibility and my problem if I have done something wrong.

Now, I know there's no such thing as "doing something wrong" in the way you dress. Like, yeah, you can make your outfit more or less appealing depending on the color combinations you choose, but I believe even the ugliest of outfits have a place in fashion, and form their own aesthetics (kitsch fashion's whole idea, for example, is based around this idea of looking ugly, and it's awesome)!!

But that's not an aesthetic I'm trying to go for. I just want to look like a basic teenage boy, which is like the most basic of aesthetics ever. That dysphoric transmasc look (I have a more social-oriented kind of dysphoria, so I don't really feel dysphoric if I war feminine clothes, but if someone seems me in them and associates me with femininity or thinks of me as a woman, that will make me dysphoric. yk?). And so that day I was wearing just that. Jeans, a random shirt (probably either from a band, Sonic related or just a flat color) and nothing else, nothing extraordinary.

And, still, S criticized me. And talk about how my clothes looked so uncomfortable.

And, if I weren't the dumb autistic teen I am, I wouldn't have cared, or I would've forgotten in like a day. But it stuck, because I had been wearing that style of clothes since forever.

Well, I have nothing else to add. That's it. Bye byeee.

Sincerily,