☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。

Today was a bit weird.

Nothing particularly bad happened. First hour, Spanish History, I was just sleepy. Second hour, History of Philosophy, I was a bit more alert. I had Technical Drawing on the third and fourth hours and I had a blast!! I loved it. We had a "test", our teacher gave us only one hour to do an axonometric figure, to see how fast or slow we worked. It was a tough one, made me think. But I'm happy because I finished it in time and, after the "test" ended, my teacher used my work as an example on how it was supposed to be done.

I'm happy because she always uses my work as an example. I'm fairly certain I'm the best in that class, even though there's people from the Technical modality of Baccalaureate who should be more qualified than me, if that thing they say about "Scientists being smart and Artists dumb". I love to prove them wrong.

The next two hours, however, I had Artistic Drawing, where there's more people, and I'm not recognized as much because I'm at everyone else's level.

I didn't go to class last week because I was working on my essay, blah blah, the thing is I'm a bit behind. I had to do double the work, and I wanted to finish it in one session to not bring more work home, because I want to rest what I didn't rest last week, but nothing I drew was to my standards.

I don't know when, but I have switched from Rom to Ross. I use this verb conjugation in particular because I don't know if I'm my normal self again. I'm too sad to be, probably. Sometimes it's too hard to identify who I am. I just know I'm not Rom right now.

Anyway, I cried again. First time this school year, maybe?? I don't remember if I was Ross or Rom on the 25th. It didn't feel like it. It felt more like Ron, crying because of stress. Today, I didn't know why I cried, the deep reasons. I don't believe I cried just because a drawing or two were bad. But I have no idea what the real reason would be. It feels like a different kind of stress.

I feel alone. I know I'm not most of the time at school, I'm next to my friends. But I feel alone when I'm next to my friends. Then I feel bliss when I'm alone in a class where none of my friends are present, Technical Drawing, I feel seen and people recognize what I do and, most importantly, me. And then my friends come in the picture again, I feel alone again. I am invisible to them, and they don't listen. They don't know how.

It's always the same shit, I truly need new friends, but it's hard when I just go from home to school and back every day.

There's this new girl who's slowly entering our group friend, and I don't like her. There's something that feels wrong, and I don't know what. She smokes, that's not it. She's great at playing the piano as well, that's not it. She's good at art, damn me if that's a reason I could dislike someone. But I don't know what it is that makes me be alert.

Maybe the way she speaks, or what she says, always trying to seem cool, like she's hiding something. She reminds me of a certain someone.

I hope I'm not right, or, at least, that it will not affect me because she has no time to do something weird in a year and, hopefully, I won't have her as a classmate in the future. But, for now, I'll just keep an eye on her.

[TW AHEAD]

Anyway x2, I don't think she is causing me stress, like, for now, I don't care that much about her. I think I figured out one of the deep reasons on why I cried today.

So, yesterday, one of the stray cats, Tirso my beloved, scratched me because I was holding it for more time than he is comfortable being held. My bad, I was trying to kick him out of the house because my dog, Dante, was there, and they don't get along well. But the scratches hurt in a funny way that reminded me of the time I used to self-harm.

I don't do it anymore, I don't think the simple feeling of a scratch will make me relapse and cut myself again, but the negative part on my brain, my intrusive thoughts, were overworking themselves yesterday.

I'm ok, in that aspect at least, and I mean it. But the scratches yesterday, I don't know, changed my mood, and that may have contributed to today's "random" switch in personalities, to the one I call Ross.

BTW, a couple of hours have passed, I took a nap. My eyes hurt a bit, and I'm tired AF, but I think I'm definitely not Ross ATM, more like Rock or something. IDK, man the lines are too blurry sometimes.

Man, every day I think I relate more and more with people with DID. Having multiple personalities with their own voice, independent thoughts, and even perceptions of how they look can't be normal. Fuuuuck meeeee. Why can't I be normal. I need to get myself diagnosed ASAP.

Sincerily,

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。